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17.11.2002 | 2:01 p.m. It is currently 11:29 pm, 16th November 2002. By the time I post this, it will be November 17th, some time in the afternoon. Maybe my mood will change by then. I just walked into the house; I had to rush to the laptop so I could vent. I am so scared of reeling into depression again. I knew the transition from severe depression to complete normlacy would never be smooth. But I didn't expect to be freaking out every single time I got sad . "Oh no! I got a B on my paper! Shit. Do I want to kill myself?" Retard. So many times I've thought of shutting this diary down, or at least, locking it permanently because I can't bear for people to know how I feel. How utterly hopeless and miserable it is to be me. While waiting for the H37 at the bus station, alone and cold on a foggy London night, I started to cry. I didn't even know I was crying until the man sitting by me turned and stared for a while. It was only then that I realised I had voluptuous tears rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them away as discreetly as I could, but they persisted. Soon, I had to walk into the alley behind Thai Elephant so no one would see me crying until my body convulsed. Thinking about my birthday only made things worse. The reasons for my sadness went from "I'm so lonely..." to "I can't do this to myself anymore.." to "If only ______ loved me back" to "I look like shit." to "It's my birthday in an hour. This shouldn't be happening" to "Yeah, I just missed the bus." And now here I am. 11:39 p.m. 21 minutes away from being 19. Dressed in red pyjamas and a black tank top. Tear-stained cheeks and red-nosed. Listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot . Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone is a funny looking word. A. Lone. I was so excited for this birthday. I was so excited to be alive. Now I wish I wasn't. ----- 2:03 p.m. The day hasn't gotten much better since last night. I finally opened Derek's package,though. He is the most wonderful human being alive. I opened it so cautiously too; I was tempted to just bust it open, but I didn't. And he'll be glad to know that I *did* stare at the packaging for a long time. I opened it, and when I saw just how many CDs were in there, I burst into tears again. And the first thing I read was "Love in our lives is too valuable to feel for even a second without it." and that did it. I started sobbing, literally sobbing. I couldn't control myself. I opened each CD very carefully so I could preserve the wrapping papers. I think I cried harder with every CD I opened. I don't even know why! I just. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how much care and effort he'd put into it... He made my day. He totally made my day. |
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