11.12.2002 | 1:57 p.m.
bottle up and explode.....

Over and over...

Elliot Smith is the sound of salvation.

There's so much on my mind right now. It feels like I'll never be able to verbalise all of it without sounding like I'm on serious drugs.

the last time you cried who'd you think was inside?

Jenny and I went out last night. We needed an excuse to get dressed up. After God knows how long, I wore make-up. Eye-shadow and eye-liner and lip gloss. I looked hideous. Somehow the more I dress up,the worse I look. At the same time, the blander I look, the more averse I am to looking at my reflections. I find myself shying away from all shiny surfaces lest I catch even a momentary glance of everything I've been hiding from.

but i'm tired now of waiting for you

My New Year's Resolution is simply to be happy. To learn to revel in little things. To learn not to be so self-critical. To learn how to forgive myself. Until then, I am still being myself. Hating everything I say and do. Hating myself for the hate. Hating myself for hating the hate. Lots and lots of hatred that needs to be shunned.

if you're gonna hide it's up to you

I want to be intelligent. That's all I've ever wanted to be. Just to feel more complete as a person. But it's time to embrace myself and join the ranks of the Chicken Soup for The Soul readers. That was a joke. Haha. Seriously though. Self-acceptance is something I both yearn for and push away. I'm deathly afraid of the stagnancy contentment brings. The 'deathly' part comes from the lack of contentment. I don't even make sense anymore.

bottle up and go, i can make it outside.

The problem with real life is it doesn't have a soundtrack.

deja vu? | jamais vu?