14.11.2002 | 11:06 a.m.
let's undress like cross-eyed strangers.

I am in the computer lab at Kensington. I am sitting in front of a screen, staring vacuously at the indecipherable images. Someone comes up from behind me and puts his or her arms around my neck, resting their head on my shoulder. Through the computer screen, I see his face, and I affectionately scratch one of Nick's arms.

"Come with me. Come to dinner with me?"

I sigh. "I can't.."

"Why not..? You're done with class, aren't you?"

"Yes, but there's no point saying yes. This is a dream. It'll only make it harder when I wake up.."

"Aw...come on.."

I shake my head sadly, and try to wake myself up. I try to kick off my blanket, try to take my shirt off, try to bang my head against the wall: Anything that will jolt me out of this dream. But I am paralysed. No matter how hard I try, I am trapped in this computer lab, with Nick looking at me quizically.

This isn't the first time Nick has been in my dream. Once, we were in a history class, sitting on a bench in a meadow. I had my legs wrapped around his waist; his breath was on my collar. "Come with me" he said. "Come to dinner with me?" I said yes. The anticipation nudged me back to reality.

Another time, we were standing by the river. His bagpack was on my shoulder, for some reason. He gently took it back, and then pushed my hair away from my face. "Come with me. Come to dinner with me?" His words distorted into a series of dreams that left no trace of their existence.

I don't understand these dreams. I am not in love with Nick. Yes, I am attracted to him, and yes, we get along well, but I don't like him. The classic act of projection is characterising my life again. I need to wake up. Someone wake me up...

deja vu? | jamais vu?