12.10.2002 | 12:26 p.m.
la la la la la....

I'm not sure what to write in here right now. All I know is I have to work in 1/2 an hour and I have nothing else to do. Today is one of those days I wish I hadn't been born. I had 0 unread messages in my mailbox. That doesn't make things better at all.

These past few days I've been sort of depressed. I've been trying my hardest not to let anyone know. I've been smiling and chirpy and jumping about saying, "I'm seeing The Beatles! Even though there's only half of them and they're old and wrinkly!" I've been trying not to look into the mirror because everytime I do, I get this urge to bang my head against the wall until I'm unconscious, so that I don't have to deal with the way I look anymore. I'm so sick of even telling people anything. It always seems like I'm fishing for compliments or something. Cause, you know, they're going to say, "No! You look so cute!" And God knows, that's the last thing I want to hear right now.

I'm so sick of being known as the "short,cute Indian girl." I'm so sick of people dismissing me because of the way I look and dress. I'm so sick of people wanting to pull my cheeks. I'm so sick of people calling me a 'kid' and gasping when I say something they consider intelligent. I'm so sick of the way I sound. I'm so sick of everything. I don't want to get trapped in that self-perpetuating cycle of low self-esteem and depression again. I don't want to be so helpless that I have to confide in people who don't really care.

I have to do this myself. It's better than it was, of course. At least I don't consider myself to be as stupid as I did a few months ago. I just can't deal with the way I look though. I know it sounds petty and insufferably shallow, but it incapacitates me to a large extent.

Maybe I should just disappear for a while.

deja vu? | jamais vu?