03.10.2002 | 10:49 a.m.
soy un perdedor....

After what seems like years, but is in reality just a few months, I went down to The Lot Tuesday night. Didn't really want to; I wasn't in the mood to see a bunch of freshmen drowning in the excitement of being able to drink legally. I didn't have anything else to do,though. Daisy and I wanted to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding instead,but the latest show they had was 7:40. I got out of class only at 6 and I wanted to go home and get food first. There was no way I would have made it back in time for the film. But since I wanted to stay out of the house to give Monica and Matt their space and since I don't have any classes on Wednesdays, we decided to go to the thing at The Lot. I knew exactly what to expect. A whole bunch of college students getting free drinks at a trendy student pub? Um....yeah,exactly.

Josie called and said she and Ruth were there already, and Alyssa was on her way. When I got there,though, both Josie and Ruth were well knackered. They were making stupid jokes about each other's hair, and Ruth stole a chair for me to sit on. I told them I was with Daisy and Nejoud and Josie said, "But we want you to be with us! You're a cool people like us!" and then, they both dissolved into hysterical, inebriated laughter. The video jukebox was playing some trendy song I didn't recognise, but apparently everyone else did. A whole group of American freshmen were dancing with each other, singing loud enough to hear over the already loud music. Tongues moved lasciviously in the mouths of friends and best friends and best friends' significant others and strangers. Cameras flashed, taking pictures of deliberate body parts. Calvin walked up to me, glazed eyes and frozen smile, and grabbed my shoulder. "Aurina! You're...the last person I would expect at a place like this..."

"Really? Why?" I teased. "I. Uh. I don't know. I was kidding, I guess." He rubbed my shoulders again and then staggered away. I looked at Daisy with raised eyebrows and an amused smile. She offered to get me a drink; I reminded her that I don't drink. "But they're free! You like Baileys,right?" I declined again and she disappeared among the throngs of adoloscent desperation.

I sat alone on the table for a while, singing along mechanically to 'Under The Bridge.' From the corner of my eye, I could see someone waving frantically at me. It was Kate. I walked over to the table she was sitting at alone, and sat on the empty chair. A pack of Marlboro Lights lay on the table among empty glasses of Vodka-Cranberry. "Matthew's here with you?" I asked, almost rhetorically. She confirmed anyway. I asked her if she was as afraid of this place as I was, and she nodded vigorously, her glasses slipping off her nose a little. I asked her where Matthew was and she said he had probably picked up someone at the bar. We laughed because despite the jest in her statement, there was potential for it be prophetic. We caught up on our weeks, talked about the huge HMV sale and all the movies we'd bought. She invited me over to watch Chasing Amy some time and I accepted gladly. I invited her over for Indian food sometime and she accepted gladly. We talked about the lack of cool freshmen this semester and how their group dynamic was pseudo-incestuous, like in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

Two glasses filled with Vodka-Cranberry came crashing angrily on the table. Matthew. "Fuck. Fuck. Fucking freshmen. Fuck." I looked at him fondly, smiling, and only then did he realise that I was sitting with Kate. "Hey honey..." He kissed me and then told Kate they were leaving as soon as they finished their drinks. We asked him why he took so long, and he pursed his lips,and pointed towards the bar. Obscured by intoxicated bodies. Somewhere in between, a couple making out, drunkenly oblivious to chaos around them.

I stood up so Matthew could sit in his chair but he placed his arms on my shoulders and pushed me back on the seat. "I haven't seen you since that night I got you drunk at the Roebuck. Where have you been all week? Haven't been going to classes?" I pushed him affectionately. "Firstly,you did not get me drunk!" His eyes twinkled naughtily. "I've been in all my classes...our schedules just clash." He sat on his haunches to avoid people running into him, using the table top as support. Mark, the flamboyantly gay guy, came up to the table with Johanna, the girl who told me her ex-boyfriend distributes child porn. They both eyed Matthew purposefully. Kate shot me a glance that said, "Haha, this is going be fun."

"No Mark...I'm not going to buy you a drink...No...Mark,no." But Mark's hands were now on Matthew's stomach and he whispered into his ear, "I'll do anything if you buy me a drink... anything.." Kate told me that the only reason Mark was around was because Jen called and told him Matthew was here. Johanna hovered about the table through out, obviously sloshed beyond comprehension. I shook my head at the ludicrity of the entire situation and said to Kate, "Well. Does he think Matthew is totally gay?" She shrugged and said she didn't know. Matthew managed to escape, looked at Kate and mouthed "Leaving. NOW." She stood up, smoothed her skirt down, circled Matthew's waist and kissed him on his lips. He lifted her up and kissed her back. "Are they really engaged?" Mark asked Johanna. She shrugged, mumbled something indecipherable and continued to stare at them. I tilted my head downward to hide my smile. When I looked up, Matthew was leaning in to kiss my cheek. "Come on, let's get you out of here too." I kissed him back, hugged Kate goodbye and told them I should probably stay until Daisy and Nejoud wanted to leave.

I found Daisy and Nejoud and realised that they were sick of this place too. Just then they played 'Loser' and Daisy and I jumped up and danced for a bit. The noise in the pub was so loud, though, that we could barely even hear the song. We left.

I have never felt like more of a misfit in my entire life. And damn, it felt great.

deja vu? | jamais vu?