19.09.2002 | 11:24 a.m.
is this it?

I've never felt more positively about anything in my life. This play - what we have so far - is beautiful. I'm not going to say it's brilliant, because it's not. I'm not going to say it's revolutionary, because it's not. I'm not even going to say it's radically different, because it's not. But it is funny and it is bitter and it does have a lot of potential. It's no secret that I have zero self-esteem. But for once,I am confident about something I'm not only involved in, but something that is going to be partly my creation. I'm going to help realise ideas and thoughts and anecdotes. I've wanted to do this all my life. My life belongs to performance and writing. Of course, my preferred medium is film, but I love theatre too. I want this to happen so badly. So so so badly.

But. Yes, the 'buts' have appeared after only a week of work.

Jenny. Her way of working is radically different from Monica's and mine. She got really fucking upset because we "worked without her". We finished writing the whole opening scene within half an hour. Mon and I, we think similarly, we both draft, we work well together. Previously, when it was three of us, we didn't get anything done. For one, Jenny is always distracted and wanting food. For another, she's just not dedicated enough. Of course, Jenny said she "hated" what we wrote. It's not a big secret that the only reason she did hate it is because we wrote it without her. I can't deal with childish conniptions like that. Yes, there are going to be creative differences. It's bound to happen. But she had nothing constructive to say. We explained to her that we had written it so we could move on and that it wasn't neccesarily what was going to go up on stage. We tried to explain to her the importance (to us) of drafting and constant revising and she basically said that wasn't a valid of working. She said "Oh there isn't any shape or structure. What are we even saying? I hate it." Not that she had any suggestions to better it or anything.

She wants this to be a sex farce. We don't. The play does have a lot of sex, but none of it is gratitituous American-Pie-like. I can't continue to work like this. Her aesthetic sensibilities clash with ours too. She isn't even willing to compromise. We can't go on like this. We tried to talk it out with her yesterday, but she got really defensive and emotional. Ugh. I wish she wasn't so hyper-sensitive. I want her to be involved with this, but not like this. We basically spent the entire evening cooking and avoiding the showdown we knew was going to happen if we re-ignited the topic of the play. We're not going to get anywhere at this rate. Not with Jenny involved anyway.

I can't give this up now. I've spent too much time thinking about it. I love the characters passionately. I love the plot. I love the ideas. I'm way too attached to abandon this. I can't do it. I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't.

deja vu? | jamais vu?