15.08.2002 | 8:26 p.m.
when you've got nothing,you've got nothing to lose.

Ever since the day I realised I was seriously depressed, I've tried my hardest to avoid becoming a stereotypical depressed teenager.

I almost never wear black. I don't drink coffee. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. Neither of those are conscious decisions; it's just the way I turned out.

Every time I feel the urge to hurt myself, I listen to upbeat music. 60's bubblegum or Talking Heads. Not Leonard Cohen or Nick Drake.

But those are only superficial efforts. I've come to a forced realisation that *I* am the epitome of everything I hate about angsty, perpetually depressed adoloscents. I wallow in my sadness because I am too afraid to take the first step to improvement. I treat everyone who tries to make me feel better like worthless pieces of shit. I push them away to avoid inevitably hurting them, hoping in some sadistic way that it will only make them more resolute in sticking by me. And finally when they do get sick of my moodiness and obnoxiousness, I go crazy trying to figure what I can do to undo all the chaos I've caused.

That's not me, like Brian Wilson once said. It was for a while and it isn't going to be anymore.

It's okay to grieve. It's okay to let your emotions run amok because that's what emotions are there for. I'm not super human and I'm entitled to all the pain and hurt and confusion I feel. Sometimes being weak can help garner mammoth amounts of strength. People have good intentions but if you castigate them every time they try to help you, they will go away. They will go away and never come back in fear of being trapped again.

Depression is not going to be the definition of my life any longer. It will be hard to fight it but it will happen. It has to happen.

deja vu? | jamais vu?