05.08.2002 | 10:30 p.m.
17 days and counting.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't fight all the hurt and self-hatred I was feeling. When I woke up my eyes were swollen, my face was puffy and I looked like hell itself. Mama and I continued to ignore each other and responded curtly if neccessary. Words attacked our facades urgently and finally,sometime in the afternoon their adamance paid off. Contrived indifference segued into normalcy as we made plans to go to a book fair in town. We haven't talked about what happened yesterday. The histrionics, the accusations,slamming doors and breasted tears - it could have been a dream for all I know. I almost wish we had talked it out because unresolved matters have a way of escaping their graves. Especially when the disputed topic is something that plagues me every single minute of the day. Sigh. Life is a big,fat conundrum.

Town was all right. It rained a bit this morning but not enough to hamper plans. But of course, as soon as we got to Mahim, it started *pouring*. It wasn't just a passing shower either. Like every other monsoon day, the walk from the car to the eventual destination was an ordeal. I complained about my freshly washed hair getting ruined; I lifted up my jeans to avoid the ends from getting mucky; I wrinkled my nose and turned my lips downwards as I scurried to the shelter of the shopping center. And yet this is the time of the year I look forward to most. Like I said, life is a big fat conundrum.

Argh. I can't shake off what happened yesterday. It's going to eat at me slowly until I break down again. I just don't know how to deal with so much at once without turning into a monster. Goddammit, Derek, I miss you.

deja vu? | jamais vu?