02.08.2002 | 11:57 p.m.
another inconsequential entry.

How I hate those days where nothing happens and still everything goes wrong. I cried all day today. I watched Fight Club,I cried. I read Asterix comics, I cried. I lay around aimlessly,I cried. I went to meet Bo, I cried. I ate lunch, I cried. I went to Bandstand,I cried. No matter what I did, I had tears rolling down my cheeks constantly. I thought it might be PMS but it isn't, I'm quite sure. Everything seems so dismal right now. I don't know why Bombay makes me feel so bad. It literally makes me want to disappear. Sometimes I shut my eyes as tightly as I possibly can and hope that I won't open them again,ever. And Bombay doesn't give me a reason to open my eyes anymore. Mama's here,but Daddy isn't. I can't get used to the fact that my entire family is scattered in different parts of the world. It's not...right. That's not what families are meant to be. As for my friends....they wouldn't even be my friends if I didn't dress in a certain way or look a certain way. I still feel like a freakshow when I'm around them. It's always, "Oh my God, you listen to such shit." or "Dude,why the hell are you renting that?" or "Gosh,you really should do something about your weight" or "Eew. She is so ugly". I can't live like this anymore. I can't be apathetic to all of this anymore. I did it when I was younger, but I won't do it anymore. I don't have the guts to actually say anything. I tolerate it silently and kick myself in the teeth for things that aren't even my fault. I need a change of pace and a British one at that. I don't feel the need to fit in there, because hell,nobody does. And that's why I love it so much. Everyone is so different and so alike and so...accepting there. Well,my friends are anyway. Sigh. I need them. Only 26 days until London...

I had to wake up at 7:30 this morning for a blood test. Maybe that is what made me so cranky. It was a horrible experience. The lab assistant poked and prodded even though the vein on my right arm is pretty damn prominent. But like everyone suspected, I'm anaemic. No big surprises there. I've always been borderline anaemic. I remember taking iron tonics when I was about 5 or 6. I've been put on medication that apparently is going to increase my appetite. I didn't even know iron did that. Ugh. I really need that right now,don't I?

deja vu? | jamais vu?