2002-07-15 | 12:36 a.m.
let's all bang chairs against the radiator.

I've been in a very strange, mildly philosophical mood the past few weeks. I think one of the causes for my depression is a very severe identity crisis. There are times I seriously have no idea who I am. I know my name, I know where I am, I know who others are but I don't know who I am. Consciousness is something I question over and over until everything around me fades, my insides turn cold,and I have to force myself out of the trance. It's been happening to me since I was....maybe around 11 or 12? But the durations have increased with age, as has the intensity. There are times I am this close - picture my thumb and index finger put together so that they almost touch- to losing all signs of sanity. That's how bad it can get. I can't verbalise the feeling at all....

My whole issue with aesthetics has been irritating me more than usual too. I torture myself over it abnormally. I can't simply like or dislike something without questioning myself a hundred times. An integral part of my identity crisis,no doubt. Poor Derek mentioned something about aesthetics in an e-mail and I went on this tangential rant about Kerouac and Nabakov and how the lack of absolutes depressed me. I confused the hell out of myself too. I seriously believe I'm going crazy sometimes. And not the "I come up with bizarre comparisions" crazy that people usually associate with me,but clinically crazy. That makes me think of Bottle Rocket. "So,did you enjoy your first visit to the nut house?"

Ma and I spent the evening in the neighbour's house, talking to Priya didi and Rajiv bhaiyya. For some reason, I was the topic of conversation. I haven't really had a conversation with Rajiv Bhaiyya in a long long time. Uh,probably not since I was like five or something. All kinds of stories were being told about me from my childhood. They both swore that I was the most well-behaved and intelligent child they had ever encountered. I guess they find it hard to believe I live on my own now; they have seen me since the day I was born. It's just weird to be around people that still find it hard to digest my age and demeanor. Like,we were talking about school and I said it was great to be in an international university because it destroys a lot of ethnocentric stereotypes. And Rajiv Bhaiyya just gasped and said "Oh my god, my little girl just used the word ethnocentric!" I laughed shyly because I really didn't know what else to do. When we were leaving, he said, "I still can't believe you used the word ethnocentric. You used to sit on my lap!" I realised he was around my age when I was born,or younger even. Around 16 or so. So it makes some sense. I like how at a certain point age gaps seem really inconsequential but clearly,we haven't reached that far yet. He said he hoped his kids would grow up to be as "sensible and intelligent" as I was. That was really sweet. But it was just so strange to still be treated like a child....it wasn't a bad feeling. Just...really...strange.

I'm listening to the copy of Tom Waits' Swordfishtrombone that Theo taped me. I should start making a list of CDs to buy. Oh wait. I need money for that.

deja vu? | jamais vu?