2002-07-12 | 12:29 p.m.
so many memories,so little space.

Yesterday two people from my past drifted back into my life quite voluntarily.

The first of the two called me after Sonal told him I was back in town. Shri. The first boy I ever went on a proper date with. He called me in December too, and made it abundantly clear that he still had feelings for me. We stayed in touch when I went back to London, off and on via e-mail. Every e-mail hinted that he was interested in me,and every reply politely ignored his insinuations. I must admit,though,that I had some of the best times of my life with him. I never felt like I was "in love" with him. But the thrill of holding hands coyly, or talking on the phone seemingly casually, or having people talk about us - The thrill of all those things was unparalleled. I was going through my old diary entries and I found the one I wrote the first (and only) time we kissed. I remember that night so vividly. Sitting on the steps outside TFU's, he told me (rather drunkenly) about the time he tried to kill himself and how his depression always got the best of him. I remember taking his hand and placing it in my lap and then he kissed me. But his breath was a deadly mixture of too many vodka-tonics and cigarettes and I had to pull away. Discreetly,of course. The next day he said he didn't remember much and apologised for anything he might have said or done. I knew he remembered though. He had to have. A few days later was Sonal's birthday. While everyone was at the coffee shop at the Regent after dancing their asses off, Shri said he wanted to take me somewhere. So we excused ourselves amidst sly smiles and teasing glances, and took me across the street. It was around 4 a.m. Bandstand was deserted except for a few stray dogs and junkies bundled up in ditches. He took me to the rocks. I've always wanted to go there,but its sinister reputation always scared me. He held my hand to help me gain a steady balance. Once we reached a relatively flat surface, we just stood there in silence. The waves crashed sonorously at our feet as we both looked towards the millions of stars,filled with awe. "This is where I come when I'm sad." he said quietly. I remember smiling and then, hugging him. We held each other with adoloscent awkwardness and then made our way back to the rest of our friends. That was the last time I went out with him. After that,he drifted farther and farther away from us,gravitating towards a lure of drugs and obscurity. He barely ever attended,and when he did, he pretended not to see any of us. Occasionally he'd mumble a "hello" but never more. He was a thin boy to begin with, but after a while, he began to look emaciated. The last time I saw him was the day of our HSC exam results. About 10 months since the time we had spent together. He hugged me and called me a genius.

In December,when he called,he apologised sheepishly for disappearing like that in the 12th std. I said it was okay,and he said "Well,I've changed. I don't...you know.." I said I knew and changed the topic. We talked for a long time and promised to meet soon. But we didn't. When he called yesterday he said he didn't want to lose touch with me ever again because that was one of the biggest mistakes he had ever made. So. I guess we'll be meeting up soon. I'm so nervous though. I mean, he has this wonderful vision of me,and God,what if I've changed completely? What if he hates me now? Why do I even care..?

Okay,um,yeah. I totally forgot about the 2nd person I was talking about. Mashoom called too. She used to be one my closest friends in school. We were the only two whose parents were separated,and that acted as an adhesive for us. We never lost all touch after the 10 std,but we weren't exactly in touch either. We spent a lot of good times together. She was one of the sisters in the 'Cinderella' thing we did. I remember wanting her to be in it because she had a decent singing voice. We felt so important and so....genius-like about the whole production. It's funny to think that we were all of 9 at the time. And then we danced together for "Beauty and the Beast" too. HAHA, those rehearsals were the best!!! We're going for coffee this evening. I can't wait to see her. She's always so much fun....

I should stop talking now. Really.

deja vu? | jamais vu?