2002-07-09 | 12:46 a.m.
prayers.

Dear non-existent in my realm God,

I'm writing to you so that you will prove me wrong and make my life much easier by forcing me to believe in you. I envy my mother (she prays to you a whole lot,by the way,so please at least make her happy) for no matter what happens,she believes that it is for the best. She takes solace in your omniscience because she says she has every reason to. She seems to believe you've delivered each time she's reached out for help. See, that's what I admire. I want so badly to believe in you. I want to know that all the shit I'm going through serves an ultimate purpose,even if it is paltry. I want to be strangely comforted by people's deaths,knowing they're going to be "in a better place". I want to cling on to shards of benevolence, and ignore malice in others.

You must laugh your ass - don't mean to be irreverent here - off at people like me. Openly flouting organised religion and then running to you in times of trouble. Of course, I realise that you're probably anti-organised religion yourself. At least I hope you are. I guess the fundamental tenets and all were formed with good intentions,but humans are big,fat screw-ups. And this is getting increasingly tangential....

So,here is what I want to say to you: Please please please give me some kind of sign that you exist. It's getting terribly hard to lead a life that has no purpose,no meaning and even harder knowing that someday I'll be incinerated, and the only tangible proof of my existence will be a dusty photograph on some wall. Besides, I still don't know why I should endure all this shi..err...trouble I'm going through. If I'm going to lead a meaningless life, the sooner it's over,the better,right? So. Kindly pop up in my dream or make pigs fly or make Milosevic a human rights activist or something. And if you don't exist,well,this is futile eh?

Sincerely,

Aurina

17/11/83 (just to make it easier for you)

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