2002-07-02 | 7:53 p.m.
stark......

I just got off the treadmill and I'm not very tired. I just have that strange heady feeling that can come from too much wine or a high fever or not enough food. I find it quite amazing that I almost never sweat. All things considered that's pretty weird. Coming to think of it, neither Mama nor Daddy sweat very much either. Thank God for small mercies. People say you can never feel completely worked out unless you work up a good sweat. Uh, yes, you can, if your body hurts badly enough. Right now, though, I'm trying to feel the effects of the ostensibly released seritonin.

I hate hospitals. Yes yes, everyone hates hospitals but I felt the need to state that. That typical antiseptic odour is still lingering in my nose, emanating from my hair and clothes perhaps. I went to see Dadu today. Only one person is allowed in at a time, so I went in before Mama. Minu Ma was in there with him already; she left as soon as I walked him. "Aavaj beroche na" , she warned me on her way out and put her hand on my shoulder. I caught her hand momentarily, and she smiled sadly as she left. If I close my eyes to replay the scene, all I can see is white. The walls, the floor, the machines, the tubes, Dadu's hair, Dadu's hospital gown, Dadu's eyes. They were eerily discoloured and his mouth was moving constantly. I gently took his hand stroked it for a while, fighting back the instinctive tears. He recognised me. "Au-ri-na", he mouthed and smiled. He proceeded to talk a lot, but he has lost his voice and all I could do in return was smile and nod. He was in a state of absolute delirium. I stayed in there for about 15 minutes, and then Mama came to relieve me. I kissed his hand and on my way out realised that this year will also see the demise of the 2nd grandfather-like figure in my life. It was so scary to think that he's strived to be someone his entire life -working, writing, selling - and in the end, all of that is inconsequent. This is what we all will be reduced to someday. Each and every one of us.

The seritonin obviously isn't doing its job yet. Maybe a long, hot shower will help.

deja vu? | jamais vu?