2002-07-01 | 4:44 p.m.
distracted by the sounds of after-school chatter.

I woke up feeling sick today. The kind of sickness that stems from an incomplete sleep plagued by bad dreams. I can't even remember the bad dreams most of the time. Their only residue is the uneasy feeling in my stomach and throat. Anam called on my cellphone soon after I woke up,demanding to know where I was. It was 9:30 am. Where would I be but home? She said she needed to talk to me urgently and it took every ounce of my will power not to scream out "I'm so fucking sick of your puerility and shallowness. I don't want to get involved in your petty plans and schemes." But I didn't. Instead, I said she could come over in the evening. I'm dreading it already. I can't believe she was my best friend for 4 years. She changed so drastically. How do people change so drastically? Maybe it's just me. It's always just me..

Tulu Mashi, Shomi Uncle and Bo left for Baroda today. Bo's nervous about her entrance tests. On one hand, she needs to get in somewhere, on the other, if she does get in, will she able to live on her own? She's been unbelievably sheltered and I don't understand why. While growing up, Aparna was always the most independent, Chaklu always the most immature, Bo was the most protected and I was the most pampered. None of us have changed in those aspects. But now, Bo is 19, and it's high time she got out into the world and fended for herself. I love that girl to pieces and right now, she's almost the only reason I can stand being in Bombay. But seriously, she can't live with her parents forever, expecting them to fight her battles, expecting them to be her shields. Granted, I'm much more pampered than she is, but I'm also much more independent. I hope hope HOPE she gets into M.S College of Art. It would be perfect. Only in the next state, but still independent from her family. If she does get in, all the 4 Chowdhury kids will be studying away from home.

My body is severely punishing me today. No eating = no iron = anaemia = menstrual havoc. The time it happened in London was the first time I knew I had to see a doctor. Any semblance of regularity has disappeared completely. Morever, cramps twice a month are more than I can handle. Mama said she'd take me to Dr.Kiran Coelho so I can get iron tablets or whatever.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I feel like someone else is in my brain, and everything I say and do is conducted by them. Like in Being John Malkovich. Derek sent me an e-mail today that made me sob. I spent the afternoon on the sofa crying till my body hurt. Yes, it was blunt and direct, but I can't deny the truth in it. Of course, he sent me a second e-mail asking me not to feel bad and everything, but how could I not? I put him in the most awkward position ever, and have hurt him over and over. He's said and done everything he possibly could to help me and make me feel better even though I've been unresponsive, burdening and a huge disappointment to him. I know he's probably reading this and wondering why I didn't simply reply to his e-mail. But I can't. I don't have the words anymore. I really am despicable. I'm so sorry. I am so so SO sorry.

deja vu? | jamais vu?