2002-06-26 | 7:56 p.m.
above the planet on a wing and prayer.

Anam and I had a little 'talk' today. She was furious with me (although she didn't admit it; she says she merely felt betrayed) because I told Kanika about her and Vishesh. "I trusted you blindly,Auri. I never thought you'd do this to me" she said quietly, with an air of threatening nonchalance. "It wasn't like I was being a gossip. I just didn't know how to deal with something so big by myself, especially when I'm 7000 miles away from the happenings", I argued. I had to tell Kanika. We've had so many talks about relationships and cheating, and at one point, all three of us saw eye to eye on the subject. Anam was the one who disliked Deep immensely because he cheated on Kari, Anam . While Kanika and I were the one who said he was a decent guy despite his liasons. I don't understand why I'm the bad guy now. It's not like I told a total stranger; I told one of Anam's best friends, and in fact, at this point, she's closer to Kanika than she is to me. I didn't know she'd mind so much. No matter what I do, I fuck up. Ironically, she's telling me about trust and how important it is to her. This from a girl who's actively cheating on her boyfriend. Saying she doesn't love him on one hand, and on the other accepting all his extravagant gifts. The perfumes, the clothes, the underwear, the bags, the jewellery. Sometimes I look at Anam and Abu, and I'm almost glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. I would hate it if I was in such a shallow relationship.

Maybe it's just me. Megan summed it up perfectly when she said "I have this problem with thinking i'm so much better than the human race in general, but so much worse than almost every individual i've ever met". I have to stop finding faults with everybody. I'm by no means a perfectionist, but when things bother me about someone, I find it very difficult to look past them. Saurabh once told me I was the most accepting, least judgemental person he knew, and I revelled in that compliment for a long time. But I realise now that that isn't true at all. Worst of all,one would think that it comes from having a superiority complex or something, but that's as far from the truth as it can get. Maybe it's some weird kind of defense mechanism or something.

This afternoon, I sat on the ledge in the hall, my feet dangling through the grill, 'Learning to Fly' playing on repeat in my earphones. It was raining really heavily, and even though I was partly sheltered, I still got pretty soaked. That's what everyone with the flu should do. Get wet in the rain. I'm a genius, really. Anyway, it was weird because I felt so calm. The song has so many memories. Sharing earphones with Vivek in the men's compartment on the way back from college, Derek saying "I'm tongue-tied and twisted" and me replying "I'm an earth-bound misfit" on the way back from the Thai restaurant downtown, rainy days spent listening to Saurabh talk excitedly about it being his theme-song. All of that will be non-existent if I lose consciousness. Isn't that so weird to think about? Every thing I've ever done is probably illusory. Kind of like the "Is it more real to be awake or asleep" dilemma.

A soul in tension is learning to fly,

Conditioned grounded, but determined to try.."

Sigh...someday soon all this guilt and pain will end.

deja vu? | jamais vu?