2002-06-19 | 10:55 p.m.
I feel like I've been handed a new life.

"Yeah,she's really pretty too".

"Eew,NO. She's....fat".

"No she isn't! She's not skinny but she's nowhere next to fat ".

"Remember that skirt she was wearing Sunday night? Her thighs looked so weird in that".

"I didn't think so. I think she's cute".

"She's not ugly or anything. I just don't think she's particularly attractive. She has a really weirdly shaped body..."

I changed the topic after that.

I feel so moronic. I'm literally re-teaching myself to eat, and....well, baby steps are the best way, I guess. It's just so hard sometimes. I'm surrounded by people who don't know what's happening inside me. I get involved in conversations that murder my motivation. I tell myself to be practical, but the two sides of me percieve 'practical' differently. Very differently. I felt very faint at one point today so practical today means "Eat,idiot!" Not that this is the first time I've felt physically unwell and resolved to resolve (I just realised how weird that sounds after I typed it) this problem once and for all. But,I can't allow myself to give up now. I've said all of this before. I've done all of this before. But one of these times, I have to succeed. Because, well, that's how I want life to work.

Kanika and I went to town to meet Akshay today. That's probably another a reason I'm so exhausted. I refused to go by train. It was raining madly this morning which worked perfectly as an excuse. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. The train, crossing the road to the other side to get a cab, the cab ride, getting off at Cafe Mondegar...I can't even imagine doing that again. I can't. I told Kani I couldn't go cause I was ill, and that wasn't all lies. I still have a bit of a temperature. I felt guilty as hell though. Akshay's such a nice guy. He was really hospitable to us when we were in Poona, and I promised him we'd meet. Luckily, Dillu came to take Anuma somewhere, and he said he was free after 12:30. So he drove us there and back. Strange how things like that work. We went to Pizzeria, and the pizza smelled really good. That's a good sign! All the waiters recognised me and smiled. It's been ages since I went there. Maybe 2 years? Not after I left Jai Hind, anyhow. That place reminds me of Dheepesh and Vivek and beer. Smelly,smelly beer.

I watched The Talented Mr.Ripley again this evening. Damn, Matt Damon is good in that. Anyone who doesn't sympathise with Tom Ripley is abnormal. Oh and I also remembered that he wore the exact same shirt in the play as he did in Dogma. The maroon one with the grey hooded thing. Hmm. I should rent something funny tomorrow.

I want to write about Vedant and how damn CUTE that kid is, but I'm exhausted. So...Vedant is the cutest four year old in the whole world, and *I* get to teach him French.

Song for the day: Roads - Nick Drake

deja vu? | jamais vu?