2002-06-18 | 6:15 p.m.
I should have 'handle with care' tattooed on my forehead.

"Only stupid people have good relationships" - Ghost World

Alvy: You look like a really happy couple. Uh...are you?

(The couple nods)

Alvy: So uhh...how do you account for it?

Young woman: Um,I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.

Young Man: And I'm exactly the same way

-- Annie Hall

Oh dear God. I just met ANNADA! In Sarvodaya,of all places. I went there to return the Being John Malkovich DVD, and as I was browsing, I heard a voice that was too familiar to ignore. She hasn't changed a bit since the 10th std. Apparently I have though 'cause she kept hugging me and saying "Wow, you look really nice!" It was good to see her. It's funny to think that for about 10 years,we saw each other every single day, and even weirder to think that she was one of my closest friends from the 8th through 10th std. I guess once we all went to different colleges, the emotional distance was too much for us. We had to make new friends, we had to become different people, we had to move on. I completely forgot we had a Batch of '99 reunion on Sunday. So did Kanika and Anam, and they're effectively the only friends from school that I'm in constant touch with. Annada promised to call me (she remembered my number...amazing) so we could make plans to meet for lunch. The old school group. Kanika, Anam, Annada, Mona, Mashoom, Neha (against our better judgement) and me. Maybe even Namrata and Swetta if they have the time. I can't believe it's been 4 years since I've spent any real time with these people (except Kani,Anam and Neha). I mean, we've met at countless parties but that doesn't count at all. Kissing each other's cheeks and meaningless promises don't do justice to the years we spent with each other.

I feel a little better today than I did last night. I dug through my rubbish cupboard to find my old diaries. I wanted to trace the beginning of my depression, and see if there were any concrete reasons that triggered it off. It seems like it started in August 1999. There are a whole bunch of entries from that period that say "I can't stop crying and I don't know why" or "I can't eat..I feel too sick to eat". The thing is that nothing of any consequence really happened at that time in my life. Of course, it was my 2nd month in college and I had an undying crush on Rohit, but neither of those really upset me. In fact, despite the occasional bout of feeling low, most of the entries are so...happy. Genuine and carefree and...funny. I had no qualms about who I was and happily accepted both my shortcomings and fortes. And that was only 3 years ago. I think it got more serious circa July 2000. Although the summer of the same year was the happiest time in my life, that was the period I started obsessing about my weight and doubting myself. From then on,it got steadily worse....

Finally,I want to thank someone for being a constant source of love and encouragement. When I needed it most; when I deserved it least. For your tenacity, for your faith in me, for your endless reserves of patience. And of course,for being on my case to watch Being John Malkovich. Someday I'll invent an award called the "Best fucking person in the whole world" award, and you are going to be the recepient. Uncontested. Until then, you have a crayon drawing that says Happy Birthday.

deja vu? | jamais vu?