2002-06-17 | 11:50 p.m.
if you listen hard enough,you'll hear the vitriol drip.

I can't even begin to vocalise how I feel right now. I'm just staring at the screen and letting the tears flow freely- they blur my vision otherwise. Every part of my body hurts so badly. I want to just shrivel up and disappear.

Why am I SO FUCKING HORRIBLE? I know my vices too well and what do I do about them? Perpetuate them. The behaviour, the obsessing, the guilt....the behaviour, the obsessing, the guilt. Why can't I have a good relationship with someone and actually sustain it? Why can't I let people love me? Why do I have to deliberately push them away and then cry myself senseless when they give up? What do I want from them? It's neither sympathy nor attention, the two primary reasons people act that way. Or maybe it is, and I'm just in denial. I don't even know anymore.

People care about me,I know that. My family does. I know I'm the apple of their eyes, even though I've disappointed them over and over. By faring miserably in my SSC exams, by giving up on everything I've taken up, by being bulimic, by behaving as uncharacteristically as I have lately. And still they continue to have undying faith in me. I DON'T GET IT. I don't want them to have any sort of expectations. I'm only going to end up disappointing them. Like I always do.

Everything I do and say is contrived. None of it is me anymore. I don't know this...embittered,apathetic,fucking CRAZY...person. I don't understand her at all. I want to be the girl who's comfortable with the way she is. Who is confident and articulate. Who makes her friends and family proud not by default, but by doing something. Who makes others happy by way of her own happiness. I want AURINA back. Anyone know where I can find her?

Song for the day: She's my Best Friend -Velvet Underground

deja vu? | jamais vu?