2002-06-17 | 2:49 a.m.
'Likewise' is nothing but a euphemism.

I went out tonight. For the first time in ages- or perhaps for the first time ever- I went the whole nine yards getting dressed. I washed and blow-dried my hair (even though I'm totally inept with things like that); I wore pretty underwear that matched (even though no one would see); I shaved my legs (even though I didn't really need to). I was determined to have a good time. I ignored the urge to lie on the floor and kick my arms and legs in the air when I opened my cupboard to choose something to wear. I stared at my self in the mirror for several seconds without bursting into frantic tears.

On our way there,the Bombay rains were at their meanest. The street lights and raindrops formed a pretty pattern on my bare legs, as I sang softly along to the Cranberries. Kanika, Anam and Karishma were talking animatedly and soon, I dissolved into my seat. When we got to Jazz by the Bay , there was barely anyone there at all. I spent the first half of the night texting Saurabh because I genuinely miss him. I don't think he was getting all my messages though, 'cause he sent me a message saying 'auri?' even though I had answered his question. In fact, I'd sent him two messages before that. Weird.

Once the crowd started settling in, my trips to the rest room became increasingly frequent. I couldn't breathe, my head hurt and everything around me was starting to fade away. I dragged the girls nearer to the platform so I could be closer to the music, hoping that that would soothe my condition. It worked for a while. Nothing like old Madonna songs to make you laugh. But as the music teetered towards schmaltziness, my head felt like it weighed a million pounds. All the couples around us were positioned nose-to-nose, swaying to a tune that only the two involved could hear. Luckily, Kani has to wake up at 7 tomorrow for class so we had to leave early.

The way back was uneventful. I tried relentlessly to call Daddy and wish him a Happy Birthday but apparently, he had switched his phone off. I guess it wasn't really a bad night. It's just that nothing makes me lonelier than being around people.

deja vu? | jamais vu?