2002-06-13 | 3:05 p.m.
I've seen the future,baby,it is murder.

Daddy's home.Only until Saturday though.I don't remember the last time Mama,Daddy and I were together at home.And even as we sat on the bed,legs crossed,Daddy's phone rang incessantly and he walked out of the room to answer the calls.I understand why he's doing this; I guess there is no way out. He's drowning in debts.All his credit cards have been cut, all the phones in the Bombay office have been disconnected, employees have not been paid in 2 months.It amazes me that they're still waiting patiently,without complaining,and working as diligently as ever.This is what I am so afraid of.Daddy is one of the few fathers I know who is doing what he loves.There's nothing he loves more than film,and even as late as 35,he pursued it.He started his own production company (primarily for advertisements) and employed a few people who knew nothing about film to help him .And now 15 years later,he's sick of catering to mediocrity.He's sick of succumbing to a system that doesn't want him to do his best.He blatantly refused to direct/produce certain commercials not out of arrogance,but out of pure frustration.Consequently, he had to try and break out of the Indian market.Thankfully,he started working overseas and making contacts much before things got this catastrophic.I hope to God (or something...)Dubai works out for him.

And then,in the midst of all this,a man called Richard McGraw e-mailed me,and requested me to listen to his music at mp3.com. He explained that he didn't have a record label, found that I love Bob Dylan through Diary Land and hence e-mailed me.I must admit I immediately associated him with Tim McGraw,making me reluctant.But I listened and I loved.I'm not sure I can describe it without sounding trite,but I enjoyed it immensely.I have so much admiration for people who are passionate about what they do,without letting money entice them into prostituting themselves.I don't know if I will ever have the guts to do that.

What happened to me,anyway? I used to be smart and pretty and confident.Years of ignorance stole my intelligence,puberty stole my physical beauty and without those two,confidence died of a broken heart.The person I am today is ugly beyond recognition,inside and outside.I keep my unhappiness incarcerated and every time I've allowed it to wander,I've regretted it.

I should stop listening to Cohen in the daytime.

deja vu? | jamais vu?